What is This?
by Lucinda
Summary: After the events of Earshot S3 , Sunnydale High needs a new cook. Header tweaked.
1. What is This?

author: Lucinda

rating: pg

disclaimer: I hold no legal rights to anyone that you recognize.

distribution: Twisting, Paula, anyone else ask first.

note: this is set AU season 3 Buffy.

Summary: after 'Earshot', Sunnydale High needs a new School cook...

.W1?.

Buffy felt much better as she caught up to Xander and Willow on Monday. She'd spent the weekend resting and trying to get over her brief stint as a telepath, trying desperately to forget a few of the things that she'd overheard. But now, she was blissfully without the special ability to know exactly what everyone was thinking. Her friends were there, looking happy to se her. "Hey guys."

"Buffy. It's good to see you looking better, um, not that you look bad or anything but Friday wasn't your best day and... umm, shutting up now." Willow's greeting had her full measure of relief and cheerful babbling.

Xander grinned at her, one hand reaching out to rest on her shoulder for a moment. "Glad to see you back to normal. Why don't you and Wills go find a seat, and I'll pick up your lunch?"

"Really?" Buffy smiled cheerfully. "That's so sweet, you're the best, Xander."

A few minutes later, Buffy was seated with Willow at a table, watching as her friend pulled out items from her packed lunch. She was debating the best way to tease Willow just a little about bringing her own lunch without hurting her friends feelings. After all, wasn't the best part of school lunch not having to do it yourself?

A tray filled with... something slid in front of her. The only identifiable things were an apple, and the carton of milk. The rest of it was just... she had no words to describe it. "Umm... what's this?"

"I have no idea, but that's what's for lunch." Xander shrugged, sitting down with his own tray laden with... whatever it was. Scooping up a bit of it with his spoon, Xander chewed thoughtfully. "I have no idea, but it's... better than my mom's cooking."

Buffy looked back down at her tray, wondering if it had just moved or if it was her imagination. "I don't think so. I'm just going to go see what the cook is up to."

She walked across the cafeteria, pushing open the door and slipping past a line of other students, some of which were also carrying trays of the what-ever-it-was. Moving into the hidden areas of the kitchen, she called out "What is this stuff that you're trying to feed us?"

"Heer di yooomi sooflee." A strange voice called, with a sort of warbling accent that sounded almost familiar.

Buffy crept closer, one hand gripping a fork in the feeble hope that she could use it as a weapon if needed. She peeked around a corner, jaw dropping at the baffling sight. Poking over a steaming, bubbling caldron of... that stuff was a large white chef's hat. The voice was coming from there, and she could see a pair of gloved hands waving a wooden spoon and a whisk around, occasionally dipping them into the mass that was supposed to be lunch.

"mmm Bork bork, naow we puut the cheeys yn..." One hand vanished, reappearing with a large yellow wheel of cheese, dropping it into the cauldron, stirring at it with the wooden spoon. Soon, a bubbling yellow mass began to show itself, raising higher and higher towards the rim.

The wooden spoon began to flail about, smacking into the now bubbling cheesy mixture, making the bubbles splatter about. "Naow wee beat de booobles deouwn"

"No way..." Buffly blinked, certain that she couldn't really be seeing what she thought she was seeing.

The bubbling mass continued to rise higher, despite even more frantic flailing and splattering. " Ahh!!! Deouwn, deouwn..."

The wooden spoon was now stuck in the cheesy substance. Buffy found herself staring, unable to turn away. How much more stuff could come out of there?

The bubbles changed slightly, and instead of many small bubbles rising up, there was a single mass emerging, rising almost in a mushroom shape...

Some Slayer instinct took over, and Buffy retreated quickly, almost running back to where Willow and Xander were sitting. "You guys, you'll never believe who they've got in there cooking."

There was a sudden booming noise, and smoke began to roll out from the kitchen. From somewhere, a single plate came rolling out, eventually spinning in a slow spiral before landing face down on the floor.

"They've hired the Swedish Chef." Buffy concluded.

end What is This?


	2. Who's in the Chemistry Lab?

author: Lucinda  
  
rating: pg/pg13  
  
disclaimer: I hold no legal rights to anyone that you recognize.  
  
distribution: Twisting, Paula, anyone else ask first.  
  
note: this is set AU season 3 Buffy.   
  
Summary: Sunnydale High just keeps going through teachers, don't they? Follows 'What is This?'  
  
  
  
Willow had a lot on her mind as she made her way towards the chemistry lab. Buffy said the new cook was the Swedish Chef... that just seemed wrong on so many levels, to use Buffy's phrasing. Part of her was just amazed at the rapid acquisition of a replacement cook so quickly, especially considering the history of the faculty here. Principal Flutie had been eaten by 'wild dogs', the Biology teacher's head had been found in a closet, and the substitute had been Ms French, who'd 'vanished' after Buffy had hacked the evil mantis woman to bits. Some people still thought that Giles had killed poor Jenny Calendar, the swim coach had 'vanished' after being ripped apart by the mutated swim team, they'd lost four teachers to 'neck ruptures'... actually, the last of those had been the Chemistry teacher, Mr. Thompson. Had they replaced him, or would there be another dreadful substitute waiting for them today?  
  
She took her seat, offering a tiny smile to the other students of the class. Hopeful, she pulled out her chemistry book and opened a notebook to write notes for class.  
  
"Good afternoon, students!" The voice sounded impossibly cheerful, the sort of educated non-accent that newscasters tended to have. There was a few noises, and then a figure climbed to the top of the stool behind the counter in front of the room. "I am Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and I am the new chemistry teacher here at Sunnydale High. Allow me to introduce my assistant Beaker..."  
  
"Meep!" A thin figure with worried eyes and a shock of bright red hair emerged from the chemistry supply closet, a lab coat flapping around him as he gestured worriedly with one hand, a small vial of something held carefully in the other. "Meep meep meep, meep meep."   
  
Every student in the room was now staring at the front of the room, expressions varying from shock to disbelief to amazement. Even if only from the bizarreness factor, it was obvious that today's class would be a lot more interesting than the Friday near-study-hall from the substitute. They watched as Dr. Honeydew accepted the small vial from his assistant.  
  
"Well, Beaker has just informed me that there seems to be a slight shortage of some of the chemicals, so it seems we will only have a single demonstration before we begin the lab work. According to the notes left by Mr. Thompson, you should have read about unstable and volatile compounds, thus preparing you for today's demonstration on nitroglycerin." Dr. Honeydew adjusted his glasses, his eyes still unnoticeable as a result of his extreme squint. "Thank you, Beaker."  
  
  
  
Willow gasped, a sudden feeling just exploding into her. This would be... potentially very bad. Nitroglycerin exploded. They had a teacher handling something explosive over the Hellmouth. The chances of something good resulting from this were rather small. She began trying to figure out how effective the table would be as a shield against explosions. A quick glance showed that she was not alone in her worries. She grabbed her safety glasses, jamming them onto her face even as she wondered how bad this would get.  
  
"Is this guy nuts?" Whispered one of the students.  
  
Carefully lowering the backpack full of stuff to the floor as she pushed her stool backwards far enough that she would be able to slip under the table easily, Rosa muttered "No more complaining about lame subs, I promise."  
  
"Now observe carefully the effects on this nitroglycerin as I shake it."  
  
Dr. Honeydew's words had an amazing effect on the class. Everyone moved, eyes focused on the glass vial in the stubby fingers, bodies crouched below the tables. A few people were muttering prayers.  
  
"It should happen fairly soon now. Beaker, please hold this while I get my safety goggles..."  
  
The small vial was passed to Beaker, who held it gingerly, eyes wide as he uttered a tiny "meep."  
  
Afterwards, Willow wasn't quite certain what had caused it, but almost everybody ducked at the same moment. That moment was right before the loud 'BOOM' from the front of the room, releasing smoke and shaking the floor.  
  
Slowly, cursing her own curiosity, Willow peeked back over the table. Bits of ceiling tile had fallen through the room, and the walls were soot darkened. Beaker stood there, his coat smoking, hair frazzled and sooty, a look of utter misery on his face. "Meep."  
  
Oh yes, Chemistry class was going to be something this year. Assuming they managed to finish the year without detonating the entire school building.  
  
end What is this 2: Who's in the Chemistry Lab? 


	3. Things that go Boom!

author: Lucinda  
  
rating: pg13  
  
main character: Jack O'Toole, the Mad Bomber  
  
disclaimer: I hold no legal rights to Jack (property of Joss Whedon & the Buffy the Vampire Slayer writing staff) or to The Mad Bomber (property of Jim Henson & anyone else with legal rights to the Muppets).  
  
distribution: Twisting, Paula, anyone else ask first.  
  
note: this is set in season 3, before Zeppo.  
  
  
  
The explosion wasn't that big, but it was more than sufficient to cause the sides of the dumpster to break apart, more a statement of the poor construction that the explosion's force. Rats scurried away in all directions, as did one particularly filthy and wretched vampire. Clouds of dark smoke, thick with the stench of scorched garbage and explosive powder rolled upwards, obscuring the stars.  
  
Laughter emerged from the watching figure, rasping and harsh, almost secretive. As if he feared that someone would come to stop him. One hand curled almost lovingly around the handle, now pushed nearly flat against the box. "heheheeheheheh.... One down."  
  
Still sniggering, the figure bobbed away, a sort of rolling uneven motion, as if prepared to duck for cover at any moment.  
  
His next stop was a run down warehouse, currently the site of someone else's big plan. Inside, a teen with dark blond hair and an air of rebellion was chanting over a body. He was concentrating hard on the words.  
  
In fact, Jack was concentrating so hard that he didn't realize anybody else was even in the building until there was a large BOOOM! accompanied by clouds of dark smoke and some falling bits of ceiling tile. Both Jack and his friend jumped, drawing startled breaths as they looked around the warehouse.  
  
Slowly, Jack stalked over to the small figure, laughing at the dark clouds, one hand resting on the detonator box. "What's so funny?"   
  
"Just having a little fun here." The wide eyes rolled a little as the words emerged, not quite sufficient to convince anyone of harmlessness.  
  
Eyes narrowed in suspicion, Jack looked at him. "Fun? Sounded more like a bomb going off to me."  
  
The demented looking man sniggered again. "Yeah... I just love it when things go Boom. Makes me feel all happy inside."  
  
For a few moments, Jack was entirely too still, thoughtfully looking at the strange figure before him. "Well then... Care to share the knowledge?"  
  
"Why not?" The strange little man in the ruffled collar shrugged. "The more people, the more boom. What should I call you anyhow, kid?"  
  
"I'm Jack O'Toole." He held one hand out in the time honored gesture of alliance.  
  
"Glad to meet you." There was something unbalanced in the smile, the gleaming square teeth. "Let me teach you all about making things go boom..."  
  
end What is This 3: Things that go Boom. 


End file.
